| (no subject) |
[Mar. 29th, 2009|04:57 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | franz ferdinand-ulysses | ] |
Some people say its better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all....if you never lost that love you felt,wouldn't that make you happier in the end?
This year started out great but its slowly taking a turn for the worse. Things are changing fast in my life and I need to make a decision now on what I want to do, which direction I want to take. It seems like I keep having fucked up situations in my life and I am the only common denominator and I just don't know what I am doing wrong. I also keep meeting people in my life who just are not healthy. I try to push them away but they are just so part of my normal life its hard to make the change to just not talking to them at all. I try and try to meet new people but I never seem successful. I try to stay away from people younger because I just don't connect on that mentality level for some reason. Then when I have older friends I am in a constant struggle because they all want to tell me whats right and do what they would do....and should I really listen? The only person who knows me the best is me. I am not someone anyone can just boss around or be made to feel less than just because of my age. Id like to think I have a pretty good head on my shoulders.
I have been privileged enough to meet some good people the time I have been in Seattle so its not all in vain I guess. I just really need to figure out what I want to do. When I came up here and turned 21 I was just so full of life and was happy to be alive. I had more goals and way more ambition then I do now....I just sorta feel beat down sometimes. I am tired of working so hard and getting nowhere. Softball has been a really good outlet for me. It allows me to make achievable goals and I feel like I have been doing the best job I can at it. Regardless of the small fuck ups lol. Why can't life me like managing a gay softball team? Is that too much to ask? |
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| strange dream.... |
[Feb. 12th, 2009|06:25 am] |
I just woke up from having the strangest dream....that part that makes it even more weird is that I have had this dream before.....a couple years ago. i remember it vividly because when I had it last time it totally freaked me out. The first dream starts off that I am invited to this party and when I go I don't know anyone there. But when I have the dream this time its different because I feel like its all the same people from the first dream but now I know who they are and they all have the faces of people currently in my life. I go to the party and I am having a good time and then its time to leave. Everyone at the party decided that they all want to do something else so they decided on a meeting place and were all planning to leave but for some reason I chose not to go. In the dream I had a couple years ago I left alone.....but in this one I left and Conor came with me, and I don't even remember him being at the party in the first place and he definatley was not in the dream I had a few years ago. So we leave the party and start walking home. Even tho the party is at someones house in the city the way home is through a very dense and winding forest. While we are walking through the forest random dogs start following us. I remember in the last dream I was scared of the dogs and started to run. This time the dogs were not scary and rather then run I just kept walking, and for some reason Conor stopped to pet them and play with them....and I just kept walking. Thinking in me head ok if you dont pay attention to them the will leave you alone. So we both keep walking and the dogs disappear. Here is where its gets weird.....this forest we are walking through to get home leads us to some kind of strange cave/maze that is made of mud and stone and for some reason we need to go through it to get home. If anyone has played Prince of Persia the way I was supposed to go through the maze was very similar to the game play. I had to figure out ways to climb through small holes at the top of a wall or get around a huge cliff and so on. The first time I had the dream I remember having a flashlight and I spent hours and hours just going through this very difficult maze and I remember it being very physically and mentally challenging and it felt like it would never end.....in fact it never did and I woke up feeling very confused. This time the feeling was different. I didn't have a flashlight we both were using our cell phones for light. When we were in the maze our lights kept going off and as they did we felt like we saw something in the darkness but when the lights would come back on they would scurry away and there was a strange fear that came over me. I decided at this point I wanted to wake up. So I did. Now I am writing this. It was a very weird dream and I know they say dreams usually are based on things going on in your life but I cant seem to think how my life would parallel how my life was years ago...and why this time Conor would be in the dream. I knew the whole time I was dreaming.....and the even weirder thing is that I knew I was dreaming and I knew I had had the dream before. It just all weird.....dreams freak me out which is honestly why I don't like to have them sometimes.....anyways I just wanted to wirte this down before I forgot it. Now I need to go back to bed. =) |
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| we take hugging to the extreme! |
[Feb. 5th, 2009|12:38 am] |
ruggercub@yahoo.com says:
haha, ok, I really do need to go to bed
from 1985 says:
me too
from 1985 says:
night night
from 1985 says:
<3
ruggercub@yahoo.com says:
nighty night
ruggercub@yahoo.com says:
<3 big hugs
from 1985 says:
super hug
ruggercub@yahoo.com says:
extreme hug
from 1985 says:
hug to the max!
ruggercub@yahoo.com says:
+1
from 1985 says:
lol night
ruggercub@yahoo.com says:
night |
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| I am over this week. |
[Jan. 29th, 2009|11:05 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | my room | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | all we are- fischerspooner | ] |
So still haven't heard from Conor. I guess its really done and over with, I knew someday it would end since our relationship was so dysfunctional. I used to think our bond was strong enough to work anything out that we loved each other enough to not let petty things turn into something bigger then they should be. It appears it was all just me who thought these things. Its kind of rough thinking that all those times he told me he loved me and he would always be there for me were a lie....it was all conditional. I just cant seem to get all these thoughts out of my head. Everytime I read or see something funny I wanna text him like I always have or when I am bored at 11pm on a tuesday I want to call him and got get a beer. Its hard losing your best friend it was a sort of security knowing I could always count on someone then they are gone in an instant. In that past when I have broken up with someone I always had friends to distract me.....but I feel like I am falling between the cracks with them. Or maybe its me wanting to fade away for a quick minute. Sorta self fulfilling prophecy maybe? Who knows. Bah I just dont want to be sad anymore....I hate it. Most people that know me are always asking why I am smiling all the time. Its because I am generally a really happy guy....I dont think I have smiled at all this week. I think its all just these unresolved issues with the situation but if someone refuses to talk to you...how does anything get fixed or resolved? |
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| bad day |
[Jan. 26th, 2009|12:26 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | tired of being sorry- ringside | ] |
.....I have never really had a profound sense of loss until today. I feel like that last 5 years were just a waste. Spending so much time building trust......for what? He has always been a selfish person and I know that. I guess its my fault for being ok with it for so long. He was always take take take. When it came time to give back he failed. Its hard to feel like someone you put so much trust in someone you loved so much....would just consider your relationship disposable. Its been a long battle with lots of ups and downs.....but now I have nothing else to do but move on....and so I shall |
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| funny conversations part II |
[Jan. 4th, 2009|07:50 pm] |
dfwchub75: woof
pollutionxpirate: chirp
dfwchub75: what
pollutionxpirate: chirp
dfwchub75: what is that mean
pollutionxpirate: what does woof mean?
dfwchub75: that your sexy
pollutionxpirate: so why cant chirp mean the same
thing?
pollutionxpirate: they are both animal noises |
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| embarassing pictures of mo.... |
[Jan. 2nd, 2009|04:11 am] |
since he likes to post the worst pictures of me....I just thought I would return the favor.......
she lost all her money on this machine
"send me this picture so I can upload it on bigger titty."
featuring everyones favorite texan!
she is a hungry girl..
this is actually kind of a cute picture. I guess I couldnt bag on him this whole blog =)
....and they say a man can never love his dog too much.....I dont know if this is one of those situations.
moesha! |
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